I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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