Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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