it was like his penis was on wheels.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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