I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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