remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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