I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
