omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
