Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
