We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
