Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
