Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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