Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
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