Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
We're not piercing ourselves today.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
