dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
