Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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