I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
