Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
