in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
