I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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