i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
