Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
