Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
