you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize