Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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