i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
