one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
