my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
