So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
