i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
