All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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