I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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