someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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