we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
