I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
