she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
