seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
