Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
