your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
