I think I won the penis lottery.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
