I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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