Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
