the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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