oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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