There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
