I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
it glows. i had to have it.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Randomize
