I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
