thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize