There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
