I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
