dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
