sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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