Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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