I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
