Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize