The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
