That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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