and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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