$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Houston, we have a squirter
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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