a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
