my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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