You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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