my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
and you fell through a lawn chair
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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